love me or fuck off.... [02 Nov 2005|01:29am] [ mood | blank ] i will never understand how i can be the world to one man and simply not enough to another... im terribly confused... im terrified...yet i still feel hopeful...that usually gets me nowhere but rejected... counting down the days til new years...and an official broken heart... 1 comment|post comment

[27 Oct 2005|12:09am] [ mood | happy ] im so exhausted, but so happy... skipped school all day... went to the fair with the bear...had a fantastic time...exactly what ive been needed...even though it was cold and we had a few near death experiences... i have so much stuff to do for school...i hate always having something to do...i cant wait til i can relax... i think im gonna go take a shower and play with myself..at least that way it wont seem so cold...j/k...or not... post comment

arh... [14 Oct 2005|01:31am] [ mood | awake ] hmmm...im totally wide awake...i cant sleep...there are millions of things i should be doing, but i just dont give a damn...although one thing after another seems to fall apart, everything is crazy, but i guess that just means that my life is getting back to normal...im happy...getting to spend some time with old friends who really help...my relationship is still great...i finally get to go back to jacksonville!..i miss everyone there...especially josie, belgium, frank, and aaadrian...and we get to see NIN...all i wanna do is be spontaneous and have a ton of fun...its working...im gonna go and accomplish absolutely nothing and feel productive about it... post comment

im so happy... [25 Sep 2005|01:43am] [ mood | happy ] im having a great night. i worked all day, but im awesome. came home, took a bath with candles, listened to diana krall and im drinkin great wine. so much has happened...school sucks, ive spent so much money, got hit by an old lady...but im so great...my dog rocks...my relationship rocks, i fall more for jon every day...im good in school...through the chaos, things are lookin up. life can only get better...much love post comment

I hate school so much... [13 Sep 2005|02:00am] [ mood | melancholy ] I'm up late..tired and drinking coffee to write a paper on how i dont think its too late to save the world...AHHHH...god i hate school, literature especially...i have no desire to do anything other than just enjoy my life right now. i miss brandy...a lot...i cry everyday on my way to school...my mom thinks i might need to talk to a professional...all ego aside, that might not be too bad of an idea... my patience is wearing even more thin with rude and ignorant people...im such a bitch sometimes, especially at work... lately, ive had no desire to go out of my way to hang out with anyone...im still going through a lot and i cant really explain it to anybody... 1 comment|post comment

OMG [03 Sep 2005|02:54am] [ mood | ecstatic ] Ive managed to post an entry from the past...what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats talent...(see "earliest" entry)..i wrote it like ten minutes ago...on january 4, 2000 post comment

[26 Aug 2005|01:25am] [ mood | content ] well...im currently sitting in my old best friends room without anyone in the house...weird...very weird...im house sitting...PARTY!!!...well, not much to update...i love my no hair i have left...what can i say?...im adorable...school is going to be easier than i thought with the exception that i have no idea what i wanna do with the rest of my life anymore, but who cares?...another family member died...i miss brandy and otto...someone told me today that theres no one like me...and that im the only girl this person knows worth dating...made me feel good...everything is getting so much better...my car rocks, my dog rocks, my relationship rocks...jon deales comin around...the littlest things make me happy...well, i need to sleep seeing that i havent really slept in the past four days and i gotta get up in the morning to take Capone to the vet for his shots...i like cheese..."The truth, is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shoes." Much love... 1 comment|post comment

[18 Aug 2005|11:31pm] [ mood | amused ] hmmm....a wonderful thursday...got up...excersized...and then broke out the friskars to give myself a new fabulous haircut...now, i dont have much hair left...ive decided that since brandy died...ive been way too worried about the future, like i dont have much time left or sumthing...but its okay...im still trying to shake off everything...and i have no need to worry...i have the cutest dog ever...im pretty sure im going to change my major...and maybe just join a nudest colony...who knows?...all i know is that i start school on monday, i work a lot, and that ima get outta here...much love... 3 comments|post comment

[17 Aug 2005|01:21am] [ mood | satisfied ] Its 2 in the morning...dont feel like sleeping...all i have to say is that the mars volta was friggin awesome...then i had to get up and go to work...and was sick all day...think i have a fever...but whatever it is, it sucks...took like a 4 hour nap after work...then, me and josh watched 3 hours of ren and stimpy goodness...maybe i should just do something along the lines of forensics...i dunno what i wanna do anymore...i just wanna have a good time...i have hope...everything is gonna turn out just fine...much love... 4 comments|post comment

[14 Aug 2005|10:24pm] [ mood | crushed ] Damn, I'm tired...last night, went to see the metrophonic...was awesome, then spent all nite at jink's house with corey, jon, and jeci...had a lot of fun, but then i had to close tonite...people are fuckin not at all appreciative when they go out to eat...stopped by jons house after work...i feel like shit...but i got a new puppy!!! Capone, the gangsta dog is awesome...makes my life better...yet again...another love of my life is leaving me for california...i quit...ill never be satisfying enough to keep someone with me or be enough to compromise for...maybe ill just move to gainsville...i just feel like hed rather do some drugs and try to make it rich and famous...which is true...maybe one day he'll fall madly in love with me, but i dont see that happening either...what the hell am i doing?...i need to go... 4 comments|post comment

[05 Aug 2005|01:12am] [ mood | drained ] hey losers, twhats going on..im too tired to keep my head up so im typing with my head down...excuse the mistakes...well, its been a fun week or so...ive been working every night as usual...today was my lat day of summer school@@@ yay!!!!...except the calculus exam was insane!!!...it took friggin two hours...last night after work i went to study with a guy from my class...that was a disaster...because i didnt wanna study his penis....long story i suppose...i think i did okay...but oh well..there are worse things in life thn fucking up your GPA...good things...I GOT A NEW CAR!!!!...that will relieve anyone who ever saw, rode in, or had to push my cavalier...the beast haxs retired and im taking suggestions for new names for the new beautigul burgendy ford contour...i finally get a few days off to go to jacksonville...but i dont hink ima be able to stay with frank cuz his girlfriend hates me...work has been crazy the past two or three weeks...like its been a full moon over ruby tuesdays...tonite i went to see sara do drag again..seeing the last time she did it..she broke her iknee and we were at the hospital til four in the morning...but at least her new cast makes an awesome corsette...i miss jon deale...havent seen him in a few days..too bad i think im falling for him big time...darn...well, tomorrow i finally get to buy groceries to put in this house...must go..havent slept in four days..gotta lover college...much love to all and to all a good night post comment

I have no idea... [22 Jul 2005|11:14pm] [ mood | anxious ] Hmmmmm...yet again...a white trash princess on a friday nite..its a shame that i am home alone...i love InMemory so much...it is suppose to be boyfriend/girlfriend nite...but jon deale is too tired to come over...after i shaved, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, straightened my hair, got off work early...and i must say i have on some killer make-up...guess ill have to entertain myself today...professional masterdating...it always seems that i give in to him so much whenever he wants something or wants to see me...but when i really wanna see him...it doesnt matter... past few days have been some what fun i suppose...got trashed on the beach with tait, thomas, ray, and steven...the fab four...and i got so fucking sick...and we managed to lost my favorite pair of flats and tait's basketball shoes...thats pure talent ladies and gentlemen... probably failed a calculus test...believe me, if you asked any normal human being how to estimate the area of squares cut out of the corners of cardboard to be folded up into a new box in order to maximize its volume...youd probably see someone spontaneously combust... been working as usual...a bartender shanked our manager through the hand with a steak knife...God bless america... ooooh...i bought a webcam...so if anyone ever needs to see my beautiful face...let me know... i suppose im gonna get out of here and do something... 4 comments|post comment

I need no subject... [17 Jul 2005|10:47pm] [ mood | annoyed ] Hmm...today was awesome...i got home at 4 in the morning from chillin with tait and lasonya while my boyfriend came over at 5 to spend the night, or morning, with me...i pretty much spent all day with jon and he even got me to play a little final fantasy...and yes, its the end of the world...now, i know my family always has tough times, and our house isnt exactly model suburbia...it usually doesnt bother me, but if somebody tells complains about my house or the way we live, it really strikes a nerve...guess he wont be coming over anymore...damn shame... now to add on to the problems with my car...not only does it not go in reverse or have overdrive...now, for the first 5 minutes i drive the car, it shakes like hell, is sluggish, and wont go anywhere...lovely..cant even pull into traffic without 8 people on my ass even if i pull out with cars 5 miles away...and of course..i was suppose to get a new car how long ago?...i give up on trying to get things accomplished around here...welcome to my life...procrastination to the fullest... much love... 2 comments|post comment

Why? [16 Jul 2005|01:11am] [ mood | contemplative ] Work is so stupid sometimes...im so tired of being nice to people at work, that when i get off, i just wanna tell everyone to go to hell...okay maybe not that extreme, but i still dont have the patience to be fake nice to people when im not being paid for it... so if i dont call or answer the phone, chances are im at work...or maybe i dont like you and im too tired to be nice about it...i just spent half an hour on the phone with one of my bests friends that i havent had a conversation with in like 3 months...reiner is awesome, but so many questions...how does coke get in the can without being crushed? does everybody have the same size rib cage even if theyre more fat? why do ceiling fans always have one chain hanging longer than the other? if tylenol, a coke, and chocolate will cure a headache....will aspirin and a chocolate flavored coke do the same thing?...if you die in your dream, can you die in real life?...so on and so forth...my brain is so random...ugh...i hate bleach, yet i smell like it again anyways...i thought id never go home wishing to smell like brasso... I've been having the weirderst dreams lately...and if you know me well enough, you know my dreams are pretty significant...im dreaming my own death...im dreaming of brandy...im scaring myself enough to wake up...speaking of being scared...it used to be chris that id worry about if i didnt hear from him in a certain amount of time...always scared something would happen to him and id never know...now i seem to be like this with a lot of people...forgive me...but at least i care.... Im not perfect...gimme a break... There are some people i see...that i havent been around in a while..or maybe i have...and i just feel so out of place in my own skin...ill have no idea what to say...and as if im being weird...i cant tell...maybe im changing again... katie keeps calling me to go out...but im not in the mood...i smell like ass and dont feel well...white trash princess on a friday nite.... just love me...i need you...i need to be told im perfect how i am...that im beautiful... 'beware, youre breaking my heart, i only want you cuz you want me right now...'... i need to go and wash away my cares or sins..or maybe just this aweful smell...if i cant make sense of me, i guess you never will...much love... 3 comments|post comment

What the hell am I doing? [15 Jul 2005|01:42pm] [ mood | predatory ] Welcome to livejournal, because xanga is evil...a lovely way to start out, i suppose, is to let everyone know that i feel like my life is more fucked up than ever at this moment in time. i feel like im stuck in the dryer, tumbling and shrinking. i dunno, everything just seems so crazy...in the past month of my life, things have gotten so out of contol...i miss jacksonville and the random excitement it provided everyday...i miss the people there...all the people here have slipped away from me or i just dont exist to them anymore...i have no real motivation for school...i don't wanna be in school the rest of my life...i feel like there are only 2 people in the world who really really know me...and i dont really trust anyone else...ive been so weird and there is nothing i can do about it...i wanna destroy something beautiful...i apologize to everyone ive blown off or just been plain weird too...im trying...just give me some time...well, i must go and primp myself up for work...another boring day at Ruby Tuesdays...ROCK!....much love... 5 comments|post comment

[04 Jan 2000|08:45am] [ mood | drained ] im tired...exhausted really, but at least i look damn good in these work clothes...if you know me at all, you know my life has been in a complete uproar the past few months...i miss brandy and i dont know what to do with myself...BUT, ive decided i no longer wanna do what ive dreamed of doing the past 7 years...i no longer want to be a doctor...in my head it seems like its somewhat shameful, ive wanted to do this so long and now i dont...ive changed my major to criminal justice with a minor in psychology...i gotta move outta this house even though itll be kinda weird cuz its always been my home...jon has decided we should move it together...the idea both scares and excites me...i love being to go to sleep with him at the end of the night...hmmm...have to cut it short...im not feelin so well...and im falling asleep... 2 comments|post comment

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